I really don't know where to begin. So, I'm going to start at the beginning.
A few nights ago, in a moment of blind panic and pain, I pretty much tried to destroy everything I could get my hands on when it comes to my life. A piece of me prevented the destruction of my dA stuff. To do so would have been like killing my own children, which is what my work feels like to me.
You see, I'm in love. Deeply, hopelessly in love with another dA member, his name is Marty and he goes by emoryu21.
The powers brought he and I together just over 2 years ago at a time in my life when the relationship with my boyfriend Robert was at a melt down point. He helped me tremendously.
As time went on, he kept battering away at my defensive wall until he got inside and started getting to know the real me. I'm not an easy person to get close to. Yet, he persisted despite every obstacle I threw at him until my defenses totally collapsed.
Not long afterward, I realized that I was in love with him. To be honest, what I was feeling for him scared the utter shit out of me. So, I ran. I tried to walk away and never come back. A month went by. He emailed me an asked where I'd gone to. My resistance crumbled.
Ever since, despite all the difficulties each of us have faced with our own lives, my love has grown in depth and in breadth and continues to grow with each passing moment.
I'm not an easy person to handle. Yet, despite everything, Marty has put up with me and always understood even when I'm at my worst. We can freely speak our minds to each other and say whatever we feel without holding back. We've seen each other at our worst as well as at our best.
He's become everything to me. He's my best friend, my soul mate, my love, my all. He makes me laugh when I'm sad. He lets me cry when I need to. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep.
I think about holding him in my arms while he just stares at me, diving deep down into my soul with his eyes, to touch, and experience the ocean of love I feel for him. I think about him laughing at things I say, knowing that he finds joy in the silly little things that are my natural humor.
I think about touching him tenderly and gently, about kissing him. Not a moment of my day goes by that I don't think about Marty in some way.
We got into an argument several nights ago over me over-reacting (a really bad habit of mine) and all I could see was loosing the guy I truly love. I went totally insane and my auto-defenses kicked in. I wanted to destroy the world because without the man I love the world had no meaning. I went on a rampage out of pure frustration. Idk if he'll ever forgive me. I don't really expect him to.
All I know is I love Marty with all my heart and soul. Nothing else matters to me. I know exactly what I want, him. However, he's unsure exactly what he wants.
Right now, nothing makes any sense to me at all. The only thing I know to do is try to wait patiently (something I suck at) and hope the powers that brought us together know wtf they're doing.

I Love You Marty